Fortunately for you folks who are depressed because you feel you don’t have the will power and dedication to have a restaurant staff learn your usual, I think there’s a very simple cheat you can employ.

Pick a restaurant. Any restaurant. Ok, no, not Applebees, for the love of God, you masochistic freak. Any other restaurant. Go in, sit down and wait for your server. Then say, “I’d like the usual please.” Your server – let’s call him Jacques – will look confused. He’ll say, “I’m sorry, I don’t know what your usual is.” Then you tell him.

Go back within 2-3 days. Order your usual again. If it’s Jacques, there’s a 50% chance he remembers it. If not, he’ll definitely get it next time. If it’s someone new, when you get that raised eyebrow look, say, “Oh, sorry, I thought Jacques would have told you.” Then order. This server – let’s call her Penelope – not only has the same first step as Jacques, but when she next sees him, she’ll be like, “Jacques, yo, like, some dude tried to order his ‘usual’ and said you were supposed to tell me.” They’ll laugh and mock you, but they’ll remember your usual. And chances are, they’ll tell the other servers – Gary, Ramon, Cynthia, Xing Lu, et al – the story and to be on the lookout.

And there you have it. Your 2-4 step process to having an established “usual.” You’re welcome.

Waiting…

No, no. Don’t bother me with yeast. We do not eat yeast. We use yeast. If we could make bread rise without it, we would. Anyway, not only don’t we eat fungi, we have countless anti-fungal creams, ointments, pills and sprays (Boom! Tough actin’ Tinactin!). We like to kill fungi.

I bring this all up because of an observation I made this morning. I pass a dumpster behind a restaurant while I walk from where I park to where I work. Yesterday, I noticed that there were some mushrooms scattered on the ground by the dumpster, but were in otherwise perfect condition. Today, they were still there. This is quite strange because there are a bunch of crows (I think) that are in and around this dumpster everyday. They eat any disgusting, contaminated shred of digestible food they can find. But mushrooms? They don’t want any part.

I trust the food instincts of pretty much any non-human animal. I realize different animals have different diets and digestive systems, but these birds eat anything they can get. Anything but mushrooms. I hope we can all learn from this.

There are different size straws. I don’t mean height; I’m talking diameter. I know that’s not new knowledge, but please take a minute to consider which is ideal for your business. You see, regardless of what size straw you provide (aside from abnormally wide or narrow straws), people take the same length sip. Sip volume is not based on thirst, but rather on time. Everyone has their standard sip length – mine is about 1.5 seconds – and will utilize it almost all the time.

What does this mean to you? Excellent question. No, really, good thinking. Really.

What it means is if your place provides free refills on drinks, use the narrow straws. People’s sips will be just as long as their sips with wide straws, but they will ingest less drink per sip. This makes their drink last longer and causes you to provide fewer refills. Not only does this save you money on the actual drinks, but if you have a wait staff, they will waste less time getting 8 year old Timmy his 17th Dr. Pepper.

Conversely, if you do not provide free refills, utilize the wide straw. Those people will suck down that drink faster than [insert any infamous sex scandal joke here] and you’ll double or triple their drink tabs.

Think about it, people. Think. Please.

Courtesy of The Artifex @ Flickr