On the inside of the outer exit door (the broken one), was one of those metal pull-down gate things. On it was a bumper sticker-sized sign that read “Not a means of egress.” I’m gonna go out on a limb and say this is one of the least useful signs ever.

For one, what’s with that wording? Yes, egress means exit – nothing wrong with it semantically. But consider the average person. What percent of people really know what egress means? Maybe 15? I think 5 might be closer to reality. So congratulations, sign writer guy, on finding a more sophisticated way of saying “not an exit”. There’s a reason your job is writing text for stickers and not teaching doctoral level English courses.

And secondly, exactly what part of not “egressing” wasn’t clear by the fact that there was a GIANT METAL GATE blocking everyone from doing so? Would anyone have walked up to it, looked unsuccessfully for instructions, and then attempted to raise, slide or pass through the gate when there was a fully operational door 8 feet to the left? No. The answer is no.

So, sticker writer guy and sticker placer guy, I hope you both read this and take it to heart. I don’t want to encounter your preposterous signage anymore.

Facebook and Twitter? Ok, I get that, sorta. I don’t like it though. I don’t want to see your stupid “OMG Great Episode!! #24 #JackBauer #Jack #Bauer #Kiefer #Ihopeyouaccidentallyfindthisinasearchthenmaketheconsciousdecisiontofollowmebecausemytweetsaresoclever status messages. But whatever, I’ll deal.

But why does my Netflix need to be with my Facebook? Does anyone care what movie I’m watching? If I thought there was one of particular interest, I’d take the 17 seconds out of my life to manually type a status about it.

What’s next? Maybe my health insurance website can hook up with my Twitter and automatically Tweet things like “I might be passing a kidney stone this week! #kidneystones #excrutiatingpain #TMI”. Or perhaps we can find a way to integrate my microwave with Facebook. “… is currently popping Super Extra Buttery Movie Theater Style Popcorn for 2:25 on High!”

Here’s one I’d be cool with: we find a way where I can set up my camera near my bed, then it takes a picture of me sleeping, posts it somewhere, then the more Diggs it gets, the better dreams I have. Go ahead, programmers, figure that one out and you’ll be back in my good graces.

As far as the rest of the audience goes, I’m not a shusher unless someone is really out of hand, but I understand those who are. You don’t want to miss a word of your $11.50 movie. Fine. But here’s the thing: all that time before the actual movie – on-screen trivia, cinema etiquette things, commercials, trailers  – I’m talking. It’s not loud or belligerent and it’s usually relevant to what’s on the screen.

So please, spare me the pre-shushing. Give me the benefit of the doubt. I will be quiet for your movie. Stop being a douche for my previews.

1. Many are way too low. 55 on a major highway/expressway is ridiculous.
2. There are usually no minimum speeds posted. This is as much an issue as maximum speeds.
3. There is absolutely no consistency from one state/city/neighborhood/street to the next in terms of what is tolerated in excess of the speed limit. I can drive 20 mph over on the expressway on the way to work with no issues, but I’ll get a ticket for literally being 1 mph over it in my friend’s neighborhood.
4. There never seems to be a cop around when some schmuck in a Mazda starts weaving through traffic and cutting people off while going 110 and doing a line of coke off his dashboard, yet I can get pulled over for driving over the speed limit at 3am on an open road.

So, I propose a complete speed limit reform. It works like this:

All posted speed limits will be rethought as far as what is a reasonable but safe range (not just limit) of speeds. This range will not account for any “grace” overages or underages. Police will enforce the maximum speed precisely. If you are 1 mile over, you are speeding. Warnings, of course, are still acceptable for cases that seem unintentional. Anyone caught going more than 20 mph over the maximum speed will have the option of having their license suspended or being fined heavily. On the 3rd such violation, your license is suspended for 5 years with no exceptions. The minimum speed will be enforced similarly but with obvious exceptions (traffic, stop lights, etc.). If you are elderly and do not feel comfortable driving at even the minimum speed, do the world a favor and stay home and knit.

This should be implemented by the federal government so it is consistent across the country. Canada and Mexico are invited to adopt it as well.

Someday…

Realistically, I don’t care what they have. Just tell me they’re taking a sick day if they can’t play. It just gets irritating when announcers use this terminology. I wish I had a dollar for every time Bill Walton (the greatest kiss-ass NBA broadcasting has ever known) told me Michael Jordan was playing despite his Flu-like symptoms.

On a separate note, why do people always say, “I wish I had a dollar for every time…”? A dollar? That’s it? I say we up it a little. I wish I had five billion dollars for every time I’ve wanted to punch Bill Walton in the nose.

I bet 50% of this country couldn’t make it 1 week without all of those things.

And don’t even get me started on cigarettes.