SMS in REM
Well, humanity is doomed thanks to excessive texting.
Last night while I was sleeping, I had a dream in which I was cleaning my room (exciting stuff) and realized I had to ask a friend a question that I can no longer recall. Anyway, in my past dreams, I would have called this friend or perhaps just have suddenly been with her to ask in person. In this dream, however, I texted her. Then I waited for an answer. But it was a text, so she didn’t answer quickly, and my dream was suddenly at a standstill. In fact, it was so uneventful that I woke up, rather confused.
Clearly, this is the beginning of an epidemic. Texting has become so prevalent that it will replace other forms of in-dream communication, and the wait for the response will wake us up and pull us out of REM sleep, causing worldwide sleep deprivation and eventual psychosis, chaos and death. RIP humans.
Note: this post was written after a night of inadequate sleep.
Wake Up Call
Sometimes people like to reminisce about life before certain inventions. It’s difficult to remember what people did before the internet or cell phones or TV or belly buttons. Life seems to have been completely different and quite inefficient by today’s standards.
You know what invention doesn’t get enough attention? Alarm Clocks. Just about everyone with a job uses one. What did people do before them? Were wake-up call services really popular? I bet the invention of alarm clocks was the worst day in lives of many wake-up call service executives.
“So wait, you just tell this clock thing what time to wake you up and it makes some annoying noise? Shit.” It went something like that.
And what about before phones? Did people rely on roosters? Or do alarm clocks pre-date phones? I need answers.
Pre-shushing
When I go to the movies, I try to be pretty courteous. I keep quiet except for a few sarcastic and usually hilarious comments during the movie, but those are whispered. I never, ever talk on my phone, and if I feel the need to send or reply to a text, i angle the phone into myself so that the light doesn’t distract or annoy others. I don’t slurp loudly through the straw when my drink is empty and I try to be as discrete as possible when chewing something that might crunch loudly. I also tend to not invite people with me whom I feel might not follow the same code of conduct.
As far as the rest of the audience goes, I’m not a shusher unless someone is really out of hand, but I understand those who are. You don’t want to miss a word of your $11.50 movie. Fine. But here’s the thing: all that time before the actual movie – on-screen trivia, cinema etiquette things, commercials, trailers – I’m talking. It’s not loud or belligerent and it’s usually relevant to what’s on the screen.
So please, spare me the pre-shushing. Give me the benefit of the doubt. I will be quiet for your movie. Stop being a douche for my previews.
The Commonness of Sense
Common sense is a troublesome term. What does it entail? Why is some common sense really common, like how to put on socks, while other common sense is more complicated, like the supply and demand curve?
We need to quantify commonness of sense and also create a cut-off point at which sense does not qualify as common. I think 85% of the adult population of Earth qualifies as common. If 16% or more do not know something, it is regular sense. If 85% or more do not know it, it is clearly uncommon sense, not to be confused with common nonsense, such as the idea that Mountain Dew causes sterility or that not all women are insane.
I wonder what uncommon nonsense would be… nonsense that under 16% of adults believe? Oh, I got one. “Bill O’Reilly is not an incredibly enormous douchebag.”
Coming Soon to Your Local Grocer
Some foods I would like to create and market:
- I Can’t Believe It’s Butter!
- Unlucky Charms
- Fish of the Land canned chicken
- Bacon spray
- Pre-roasted marshmallows
- Orange pulp in a shake-top carton
- Tortillas with branded-on burrito/fajita making instructions
- Triangular loaves of bread (triangular prisms, to be precise)
- Peanut Butter Or Jelly (one or the other, but you don’t know until you buy and open it)
- Make-your-friends-cry-cause-it’s-way-too-spicy salsa
- Any combination of the foods with an actual person as the brand name, sort of like an illegitimate food child. I’m thinking Aunt Jemima and the Green Giant’s Maple Flavored Brussel Sprouts.
