Life Support
I’m tired of all the things people “need” to get through the day now. What happened to humans being able to wake up, work, relax and sleep all on their own? Now we need coffee to wake up, energy drinks to make it to 5:00, a beer to relax at home, and a myriad of drugs to help us sleep.
I bet 50% of this country couldn’t make it 1 week without all of those things.
And don’t even get me started on cigarettes.
Advanced Straw Theory
In this period of economic hardship, I would like to bestow a small bit of wisdom upon those in the food service industry:
There are different size straws. I don’t mean height; I’m talking diameter. I know that’s not new knowledge, but please take a minute to consider which is ideal for your business. You see, regardless of what size straw you provide (aside from abnormally wide or narrow straws), people take the same length sip. Sip volume is not based on thirst, but rather on time. Everyone has their standard sip length – mine is about 1.5 seconds – and will utilize it almost all the time.
What does this mean to you? Excellent question. No, really, good thinking. Really.
What it means is if your place provides free refills on drinks, use the narrow straws. People’s sips will be just as long as their sips with wide straws, but they will ingest less drink per sip. This makes their drink last longer and causes you to provide fewer refills. Not only does this save you money on the actual drinks, but if you have a wait staff, they will waste less time getting 8 year old Timmy his 17th Dr. Pepper.
Conversely, if you do not provide free refills, utilize the wide straw. Those people will suck down that drink faster than [insert any infamous sex scandal joke here] and you’ll double or triple their drink tabs.
Think about it, people. Think. Please.
Courtesy of The Artifex @ Flickr
Spam of Interest
I have a file of some of the best spam I’ve ever received – mostly porn-related – which I plan on posting on here when I’m in a writing mood but short on ideas. Stay tuned for that.
On that subject, I’ve noticed that spammers are trying hard to be creative in order to get around filters. They don’t include the typical “junk” words, or if they do, they have extra spaces or characters to disguise them. The problem is that eventually they will be completely out of words to use and the people who actually click on the spam links (do those people really exist?) won’t even realize that it’s supposed to be porn.
Here’s what I mean. Today I received an email with this subject: “Farm bitches choose their favorite animals”. There is no direct implication of sex at all. In fact, I like to envision really mean and whiny girls in overalls chewing straw and standing in a line while identifying which of the animals they like best.
“I heart sheep!”
“You dumb ho, Morton is the finest pig I ever seen.”
And so on.
Actually, I kind of want to see that. Maybe I’m the target audience for this spam.
Infixation
I’m a bit of a linguistics nerd. I think I like it because language is such a complex thing and everyone uses it so freely without really having an understanding of why they say what they do. Most people suck at it, too.
Anyway, I took an applied linguistics course in the spring and at one point we discussed affixes. You’re probably familiar with prefixes and suffixes, but there are other affixes as well. Some of them are not used in (modern) English, such as circumfixes. But what I enjoyed was the infix, which has just one use in English.
Am I going to tell you what it is? Abso-fucking-lutely.
“Fucking” is really the only word you just drop into the middle of another word. I guess “freakin” and “friggin” work as well, but only for those who choose to censor themselves. I don’t know why I find such pleasure in this. Maybe because my teacher had to drop an F-bomb in order to demostrate in class. Unavoidable expletives are the best kind.
Waiting List Weirdness
Am I the only one who does this?
I’m sitting at a crowded restaurant, doctor’s office or somewhere else that employs a waiting list. Whenever see the host/hostess (mmm, cupcakes) prepare to call the next name, I prepare to stand up victoriously and then non-chalantly parade past the rest of the hungry/ailing/whatever schlubs still waiting. But most of the time, it’s not my name they call.
Instead, it’s Frank, or Diane, or if it’s a fancy restaurant, Wilkenson or Miller. But do I sulk? No. For some reason, I automatically assume it’s a Frank, Diane, Wilkenson or Miller that I know personally. I start looking for these people to say an awkward “hi” as they pass me on the way to the front.
What makes it even better is when there’s a name for whom I don’t have an obvious acquaintance. Conrad…Conrad…hmm. I start cycling through my mental rolodex in search of a Conrad. Little League teammates, people I vaguely remember from high school, ex-colleagues… there must be a Conrad somewhere. Then I see the person pass and realize I don’t actually know him from anywhere.
But now I know him from this place. He is the Conrad I didn’t know until today. And the next time Conrad is called on a waiting list while I’m waiting, he’s coming to mind. And that’s how I waste the space in my brain.
